CASSIE's Entry

Sigh.....decided to finally blog again....since June doesn't blog here often now i thought i'll update the profile part to mine...since she says there's nothing interesting to blog about here anymore.

Spoke to Sweepz today, said i should blog more...then i said im boring, what the hell could i possibly blog about?.. and he says just RANT...

So this is me ranting...if u can't stand it bug off but if u want to know what its like when a person is on the verge of giving up then read on.

Chatted with Nigel the other day and everytime someone ive known from b4 sees me they go " Hey! So still working in the same place or have you moved on already?... and here i am put in that same bloody predicament again. Sureeeeee...a degree holder like me, who uses at LEAST a centimeter of her brain...so what the f*** am i doin working in a Buddhist Temple?..oooo i dunno...coz its across the street from my house?

Im just stupid.......i get paid less that half of what i could earn in other places but im still here...across the street....i should be bent into the shape of an L. God, the kind of dreams that i had when i was still in high school...where i'd go what i'd be doin, who i'd be with, even right down to the tiniest detail of what i'd be wearing in matching shades. Lies created in my brain just to keep me from loosing my mind a long time ago, but it might have been easier if it had come earlier and just finished up with me.

Im AM SOO EMO today, must the the pre-PMS-ing hormones swing. I finished late at work today & im a big loser for not claiming my OT at times. As i was walking back ( across the freaking street ) i thought...im so lousy as a girl now...if i had been a guy...OMG i would have been the worst kind. I would have been a sissy at school, some lumpy slow pudding head in college ( so undesirable ) and the most un-dependable worker at work.

Come to think of it, i never had a guy come up to me and say "Hey!, wanna go out sometime?" or " Hey! looking gooood!", but the only thing that EVER happen to me ( only in college ) was being STALKED by Africans. Oh my sweet lord......my nightmares just had to get worse and worse each time i saw them.

Don't get me wrong...i am and have never been a racist but DEAR LORD! they changed the way i look at ( well almost ) everything. I was once stalked by one African dude who LURVED purple clothing for two weeks on the commuter ( i use to commute to college in my final year by train ), & then intentionally locked in a small assed freaking Kancil ( a very very minute car in Malaysia, i dunno how those buggers squeezed in ) with another African dude who has NEVER met me b4 but in 3 hours of seeing me thru the rear view mirror started proclaming his undying love for me... @_@ & refuse to let go of my hand that drowned in his SUPER HUMUNGOUS HANDS...i tot i was gonna die...*sniff*

ok...i am on the heavy side..with...well...big hips...i dunno...is that what they see? i need an explanation...how come i don't attract other men from other races?

---->The chinese men...yea i understand..they want the petite girls that hardly have anything visible at the front or back but still even if they have the ugliest of faces, they still have uber cute men going after them.

---->Malay men...no i think we all understand the strain between them and all the other races but even then i wouldn't mind being asked out by one DAMMIT!

---->Indian men...? my own freakin race...what do they do when they see me....they snicker...what about?...well self conscious mini-me inside my head goes "oi, fatso, its the butt, im tellin ya..."

---->The Punjabi's?..they only acknowledge women who look like they stepped out of a Hindi film.i think that about as far as my options go.

& now with no social life what so ever, no proper job whatsoever ...... i have turned to growing cute fluffy dust bunnies that my mother is not fond of, collecting items on my room floor, praying hard that there's some hidden superpower that i have waiting to be discovered, waiting to see how long i can NOT wash the bathroom, hoping someone would surprise me with some pudding one of these days, can fat magical dissolve?, wondering when the planks on my bed is gonna break again, hoping someone would notice that i DO have a nice smile despite the constipated look i wear on my face on a daily basis...

I miss my dog Wednesday, i broke her leg when i was little because she got in my way. i didnt know then. She was the nicest stray dog ive ever met but my parents gave her away to the SPCA ( animal shelter ) coz she kept eating up peoples socks. LOL...but the Malay people were really cruel to her, they beat her up with sticks and stones when we weren't looking.

I would have had two baby brothers.......but one had to die.

Sigh... i need a cure for my scalp...ive had dandruff since i was 12 years old.

Ive never had champagne, im gonna have to try that one of these days.

Id be very lonely if my mommy died. I don't think i'd have a reason to stay here anymore.

Ive been learning sign language on my own just for fun, but then ever since my eyes started acting up and giving me sharp pains at the back of my head, im thinking, if i lose my eye sight what good is there learning sign language?

OK! :) reality check over. Time to go back to my high rise swanky apartment in my head. Run the bath, light some candles, switch the music on and relax in the warm water. Then changed into my comfy Pj's and go to sleep in my king sized soft bouncy bed.

Maybe i'll wake up to some really good breakfast tomorrow. Food...LIVE TO EAT..

Oyasuminasai :)